summer evening

My dear friend, Christina, recently moved back to Manchester in June after completing her Master's Degree and becoming a licensed therapist. We have gotten together for visits since she has been back, but last week, on a perfect summer evening, was the first time she and I got to sit together, sip wine and do some serious girl chit chat (without the interruption of a hungry baby or a bored Bean). It was divine.

I'm not sure if any other mothers feel this way – but I am pretty sure the moment after you give birth, they hand you not only your squirming little miracle, but also a HUGE side of guilt. I often feel guilty for wanting to take time for just myself; there is always too much that "needs" to get done. I have to remind myself that it's not selfish for me to want to be away from my kids, it's necessary to relax and recharge.

Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband who realizes this time  - for both he and I - is important. He encourages me to take an evening here and there and head out for a couple hours with my girlfriends, and I do likewise for him. (Of course, this also means after he gets the kids to bed, he gets to be a kid himself and play on the video games completely undisturbed)

Silly little fly flew in my wine!

This is a good shoulder... all great friends should have one like this

I would also like to take this time to warn the rest of my girlfriends that in lieu of my decision to upgrade my camera and lenses, I have decided to lug that thing just about everywhere. Put on your lip gloss ladies - 'cause your picture will be taken on girls night!

i am a pixel pusher

It started almost 17 years ago with graphic design... and now my obsession has grown and I am recently (re)obsessed with pixels... more specifically the sharpness of pixels in my photos. It's never enough.

I am constantly striving to improve what I have previously done... always viewing my work with a critical eye and telling myself "Ok.. you did well, but you could do better, now get to it". I get nervous - even when shooting my own kids - about finding pretty light and that and exposure just right, creating a pleasing compositions in camera, angles, catch lights... Ahhhh! It is safe to say there is a lot whirling around in my brain when the camera is stuck to my face.

Fortunately, I have a tiny little model (who cannot runaway when she sees the camera like her big sister, Bean) with me when the light is just right. While I prefer to use only natural light, but I have been know to pop a flash or use my alien bees from to time to time. From her expression in these two photos, you can see she has already learned, at her young age, to be patient with Momma when she has her camera out.

Right now - other than pushing the sharpness of photos (it's not enough!! I want more!!! I want better!!!) - I am also experimenting with different angles to take photos of the baby. As much as I like props, I seem to lean (recently) in just taking photos of baby in her natural element - whether that be in a little sundress or just her diaper chilling out on a furry rug on the living room floor. The way I see it - this little image is more real and when she is grown and perhaps has babies of her own, this is what I will remember and will make me smile when I look back.

the Art of Self

Everywhere and nowhere, 2009

Communicating is crucial, yet a constant struggle for me. I possess a reflective view of the world and my place in it and my art (when I find time to create it) focuses on deconstructing and reconstructing that view. I aim to capture the details that are often overlooked. In my landscape work, I utilize color, contrast, and texture in order to create a mood or atmosphere incongruous to otherwise familiar places and objects. In my creative portrait work, I aim to unveil the hidden essence of a person – parts of the persona that often lie just below the surface.

I have done quite a few self portraits in the past 5 years. And while I haven't done any in well over a year, I began to question about why I, like so many other photographers, dwell on the subject of self. Is it because when an idea strikes there are no models handy? Is there a deeper reason? Or are we just narcissistic?

Honestly, I believe it to be a little bit of all that. Sometimes I am struck by inspiration at an odd time during the night or day, and I just *have* to work on that idea. If I am the only one around - then viola - I am not only the photographer, but the subject. But more times than not, the reason I put myself as the subject is because there is usually some sort of emotion stewing close to the surface.  Not being fantastic at always expressing my emotions through speech, I sometimes choose to use a visual medium – photos.

Sometimes the messages are obscure - maybe I will be the only person to really understand the meaning - or maybe they are more obvious. Or perhaps, people walk away with a completely different, yet no less accurate, assessment. Because everyone walks through life with different experiences - their own set of bumps and bruises, laughter and smiles - it doesn't necessarily have to be the message or emotion I was feeling when I created it. Isn't the essence of art to not only leave the viewer with something to dwell upon, but to also forge an emotional connection?

I am at your door, 2008

In my world, I am an empathetic observer. I see varying and unending shades of gray. I feel deeply about issues surrounding me - whether they are personal or more about the uncontrollable aspects of the tumultuous world around me. All these pent up thoughts and emotions whiz around my mind like debris caught in a funnel cloud. After a time, they can cause a big old tumultuous storm of shit if I don't eventually allow them to come out in some form of creation.

In the self portrait above, I was in a frantic and anxious part of my life and much change was right around the corner. I don't remember really setting the scene for the photo for any particular reason other than I like the creepy basement stairs in the house and the old lantern. But if I look at it, I can see my sub conscious mind was definitely at work. Awkward position, crouching on stairs, band-aid on knee, old useless lantern.... I think I more accurately portray that moment in my life through this image than I could ever explain to someone in words.

I love our silences, 2010

Even now, my mind is setting up my next self portrait. It involves a field and a cold war era Soviet gas mask... I wonder what you will make of that.

More of my self portrait work (and lots of other photos by moi) can be found here