Finding my art again

I've been feeling a lot of 'meh' lately. As a certified adult, I have found it harder and harder to find the inspiration and motivation to continue to create art. This is very hard for me, because to create art is akin to breathing. Which would explain the suffocating feeling I get from time to time. Not to mention, the area I live in does not necessarily foster the creative community. It's my own fault. I can't blame the state I live in or anything else. The truth is, I've let life turn on the cruise control and I'm just riding along. I need to wrestle it back. Ninja style - because everything in life is more fun ninja style.

I'm fortunate to have a handful of genuinely creative people in my life. In recent conversations with them, I have learned that they have similar feelings about our community and about their own struggles to keep inspiration alive. While I firmly believe that it one's own individual responsibility to seek out inspiration and motivation, a group or community of like minded artists help "feed the brain" and in turn nurtures creativity.  That's why I am so excited that a small group of us are getting together on a regular basis for informal meet ups. Conversations, sharing of artwork or art we have found that inspire us - in hopes that it leads to more and more inspiration and keeps the momentum going.

I feel for my poor husband. As the years we are together start to add up, I think so do the pieces of the puzzle that is me. He never knows which direction I will be running in. Sometimes it's USSR era gas masks. Sometimes it's repainting furniture or sewing or photography or mixed media... or me inviting a gaggle of artists over on a Saturday night. He goes with it. I'm pretty sure he actually enjoys it.  I'm also sure he's expecting to come home one day to me building a circus tent in our living room with dogs, monkeys and retired astronauts. He probably wouldn't blink at this point. Every time I tell him that I NEED to do this - he's right on board. I love that (among a million other things) about him.

Fortunately for him, I'm currently working on a large piece that was inspired in part by a project I did back in college and not a circus... yet. I'm exploring mediums I have never used and using mediums I am happily familiar with. Canvas. Mod Podge. Acrylic Paint. Charcoal. Soft Pastels. A map. (I am almost as obsessed with maps as I am with masks) Elmer's glue. Books.

When I was choosing a canvas size, I had the large one picked out. But I got scared and I picked up a 9"x12".

Christina was with me.  I asked her, "Do I start small or is this a go-big-or-go-home kinda moment?"

"Sister, go big or go home."

20" x 30" Almost square... but not. Almost standard... but not.

I have no idea how it will turn out - hopefully well enough for me to share, but one thing is for certain. It is going to be fun. And probably messy. So, I suppose that is two things for certain.

the Art of Self

Everywhere and nowhere, 2009

Communicating is crucial, yet a constant struggle for me. I possess a reflective view of the world and my place in it and my art (when I find time to create it) focuses on deconstructing and reconstructing that view. I aim to capture the details that are often overlooked. In my landscape work, I utilize color, contrast, and texture in order to create a mood or atmosphere incongruous to otherwise familiar places and objects. In my creative portrait work, I aim to unveil the hidden essence of a person – parts of the persona that often lie just below the surface.

I have done quite a few self portraits in the past 5 years. And while I haven't done any in well over a year, I began to question about why I, like so many other photographers, dwell on the subject of self. Is it because when an idea strikes there are no models handy? Is there a deeper reason? Or are we just narcissistic?

Honestly, I believe it to be a little bit of all that. Sometimes I am struck by inspiration at an odd time during the night or day, and I just *have* to work on that idea. If I am the only one around - then viola - I am not only the photographer, but the subject. But more times than not, the reason I put myself as the subject is because there is usually some sort of emotion stewing close to the surface.  Not being fantastic at always expressing my emotions through speech, I sometimes choose to use a visual medium – photos.

Sometimes the messages are obscure - maybe I will be the only person to really understand the meaning - or maybe they are more obvious. Or perhaps, people walk away with a completely different, yet no less accurate, assessment. Because everyone walks through life with different experiences - their own set of bumps and bruises, laughter and smiles - it doesn't necessarily have to be the message or emotion I was feeling when I created it. Isn't the essence of art to not only leave the viewer with something to dwell upon, but to also forge an emotional connection?

I am at your door, 2008

In my world, I am an empathetic observer. I see varying and unending shades of gray. I feel deeply about issues surrounding me - whether they are personal or more about the uncontrollable aspects of the tumultuous world around me. All these pent up thoughts and emotions whiz around my mind like debris caught in a funnel cloud. After a time, they can cause a big old tumultuous storm of shit if I don't eventually allow them to come out in some form of creation.

In the self portrait above, I was in a frantic and anxious part of my life and much change was right around the corner. I don't remember really setting the scene for the photo for any particular reason other than I like the creepy basement stairs in the house and the old lantern. But if I look at it, I can see my sub conscious mind was definitely at work. Awkward position, crouching on stairs, band-aid on knee, old useless lantern.... I think I more accurately portray that moment in my life through this image than I could ever explain to someone in words.

I love our silences, 2010

Even now, my mind is setting up my next self portrait. It involves a field and a cold war era Soviet gas mask... I wonder what you will make of that.

More of my self portrait work (and lots of other photos by moi) can be found here